Funny Lists

Funny lists (well I think they're funny anyway)

 
100 Reasons why it is better to be a guy

1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell you friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it!
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.(I say: it was!)
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not eliminate having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.

The ABSOLUTE WORST things to say to a police officer

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realise my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?
Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonald's?
I pay your salary!
So, uh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. 
Yes, I know there is no other car around - that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

 
The Top 15 Good Things About a Cold Winter

 
15) The melodious clanging Anna Nicole Smith's breasts make when she walks.
14) BATF calls off its siege of your heavily fortified compound when agents run out of hot cocoa.
13) Much easier to locate nipples during foreplay.
12) Finally, a chance to say, "Yeah, but it's a dry cold."
11) Natural refrigeration keeps vagrants crisp and fresh until Spring.
10) You can chill your malt liquor on the window ledge at work.
9) Joy of frostbite makes it easier to rid yourself of those troublesome extremities.
8) No newsclips of jogging President for at least 8 more weeks.
7) Watching O.J. enviously eye everyone else's toasty-warm glove-clad hands.
6) Flashers stick to describing themselves.
5) Spouse temporarily stops using back seat of car for illicite affairs.
4) When it's 10 below, nobody gives a rat's ass whether Internet Explorer is better than Netscape.
3) With multiple layers, people with buns of steel look exactly like people with buns of cinnamon.
2) The shivering just makes your Katherine Hepburn impersonation that much better, you old poop!
1) Goodbye, runny nose. Hello, Snotcicles!

 
The Top 10 Reasons E-mail Is Like A Penis

 
(10) Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
(9) Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
(8) Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss.
(7) Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
(6) It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
(5) In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species.
        Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
(4) If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
(3) We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
(2) If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
(1) If you play with it too much, you'll go blind.

THE PERFECT DAY

FOR HER
 
8.15 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
8.30 - Weigh in 2 Kg lighter than yesterday
8.45 - Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants; open lots of expensive presents
9.15 - Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10.00 - Light work out at club with handsome funny personal trainer
10.30 - Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry
12.00 - Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe
12.45 - Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained 7 kg
1.00 - Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3.00 - Nap
4.00 - Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card from secret admirer
4.15 - Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but gentle hunk
7.30 - Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing with compliments received from other diners/dancers
10.00 - Hot shower (alone)
10:50 - Carried to bed (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen)
11.00 - Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11.15 - Fall asleep in his big strong arms
 
FOR HIM
 
6.00 - Alarm
6.15 - Blow job
6.30 - Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section
7.00 - Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked buxom wench
7.30 - Limo arrives
7.45 - Several Whiskeys en-route to airport
9.15 - Flight in personal Lear Jet
9.30 - Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9.45 - Play front nine (2 under)
11.45 - Lunch Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and a bottle of Dom Perignon
12.15 - Blow job
12.30 - Play back nine (4 under)
2.15 - Limo back to the airport (Several Whiskeys)
2.30 - Fly to Monte Carlo
3.30 - Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)
4.30 - Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle
5.00 - Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson
6.45 - Shit, Shower and Shave
7.00 - Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; marijuana and porn legalised
7.30 - Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by ice-cream on tits
9.00 - Napoleon Brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you watch Match of the Day
9.30 - Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies)
11.00 - Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale
11.30 - A night cap blow job
11.45 - In bed alone
11.50 - A 12 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room